You know, sometimes the other dresses tease me for being so shiny, but I know they’re all just jealous. Shiny is the best. There’s nothing better than shiny. I sparkle, I glitter, I glow—put me next to an incandescent bulb and it’s all over, baby. You might as well take your matte satin self back to the closet, or better yet “accidentally” bump into a lit cigarette, or knock over a glass of red wine. Anything to end your dull shame. Now where did those lamé shoes run off to? If you’re gonna do shine, you gotta do it right.